On Creativity. On Depression.

On Tuesday I'm walking into the Emergency Room to seek psychological help. Of the emergency nature. 

Eight months ago, I started the process of sorting out my mental health. It was either that or go swimming in a sea of toasters, and I chose the pills. The see-saw that I've experienced since can only be described as drastic. It's been Ridiculous. Yes. Capital 'R'.

One of my fears of hopping on the meds has been losing that creative edge that I flash around like a goddamned peacock. A call out on Facebook did nothing to assuage my fears. Turns out we're all snowflakes. But I hopped on some drugs and, well, the leash was cut.

 

Extreme productivity. Extreme. Creating booklets and art and taking photos and writing short stories and breaking up with girlfriends and making an absurd amount of pancakes and making posters and postcards and having art shows and making records and contemplating suicide.

There it is.

The last week has been pretty terrible. Despite the creativity, despite whatever semblance of shifting the fog has done, I was ready to throw myself in front of a bus. And yes, my friends, I can use the term 'literally' here.

Over the last four days, I put my phone in airplane mode. I ignored my emails (sorry, clients). I lit some fucking candles and I sat in my room and I explored music for me. I sorted through my thoughts by poking at a 25-key midi controller, layering track on track on track, improvising and accepting bummed notes by repeating them (jazz, right?) and learning sounds and learning to make my ridiculous manic episode work for me. For once.

I recorded 30 songs.

 

Fire Works 01-03 is a collection of learning and growth and emotions and silence and trials and heartbreak and tears and sleep and manicness and cold feet and marijuana. There's some subtext. I sample Yanni and Vitamin C (the Yanni is for Mom - 'Ipsum' is from 'Lorem Ipsum' - placeholder text also known as Greek text. My Mom fucking loved Yanni when I was growing up. She blared his record 'Live at the Acropolis' over and over. The Acropolis is in Greece. Greek. There. Ok.).

I'll be doing some special art projects to go along with this. In the meantime, I hope you enjoy. This is music to start your day with, music to work to, music to sleep to. I hope you find calm in my storm.

On Tuesday I'm walking into the Emergency Room to seek psychological help. I need help. I'm fucking scared. I hugged my dad and cried like a baby yesterday. But I think I might be ok. I hope I'll be ok.

 I'll see you on the other side. 

x